Life's a bitch, but we're not getting a divorce yet. I don't know who or what I even am any more. What I do know is that my dog died. MY dog, no matter if I was only his third favorite person.

He was our dog, and he died.

But part of him died a long time ago. We used to have three dogs, see. All adopted strays. Sadie was one crazy bitch. Food aggressive. Legitimately scared me sometimes. Most owners would have put her down, but not us. Not until her legs gave out, and she couldn't walk any more. She lived a long life thanks to us, and she never hurt anyone. Might have gotten in a scrap with one of the other dogs once, but honestly, we did pretty good with her.

Molly was number two in the pecking order. She was a happy fat girl. Sweet and calm. Total opposite of Sadie. Cancer got her.

And that only left Jack. Just a sweet little Jack Russell Terrier. Low man on the totem pole, and he knew it. He never recovered from losing them. He was scared to be outside. Didn't want to do anything but sit inside in his bed. We'd feed him, and let him out to go to the bathroom. But other than that, he just stayed put.

I don't think he understood. From his perspective, one of his friends was just gone one day. Then the other disappeared. That only left him with us and the cats. When even one of us left town for a week, he'd be inconsolable. He never wanted to be alone.

At least he wasn't alone when he died. He had been having stomach trouble the last couple days, but seemed to be doing better. Then he just up and died.

Poor little guy.

It's just not fucking fair. I like that line from Disco Elysium: "I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore!"

I sure don't. I've fantasized about being just a dumb animal. Live in the wilderness or be someone's pet. Leave your worries behind.

But fuck, man. Even animals get depressed. Animals die, and their animal friends miss them when they're gone. Even one of the cats is upset. He and Jack were buddies.

There's no fucking escaping it. You'd have to be a plant, or a fungus.

I'd love to be a tree. No mind, no will, no fear of death. No sadness or pain. Just slowly growing over time.

But even plants kill each other.

So basically, fuck it all, right? What the fuck is up with this place?

Death? Disease? Capitalism? Parasites? Fascism?

At least death is fair. He can be a dick about his timing, but he comes for everyone in the end. He ends it all. Nothing is ever unfair again.

But fuck that, that sounds boring.

I think I'll build a website.